What's in a name?

Recently I have been considering what encompasses a ‘writer’. By what criteria are we able to add this to a person’s title? In context:

“Here is my mate Teo, he dabbles in black and white photography, is partial to a bucket of frozen margarita mix. Oh and he is a writer”

Now there are the obvious indicators which I will assume are proportionate to commercial success, publications, fans and financial security. Someone who can put pen to paper for a living would be what most people qualify as a writer.

But what about all of those insanely talented people who were unable to relentlessly pursue their love in life or find it viable enough to express themselves, their imagination or penchant for strategically stringing words together day in day out?

You could then go to the other extreme and treat the word ‘write’ quite literally. My niece can now spell her name as well her little brother’s and those of her parents. Is she now a writer? In my opinion yes and much better than a lot of what I read on a daily basis.

Alternatively, could our best screen plays, poems, and essays be replaced by a cleverly scripted thesaurus program that was able to construct a range of adjectives, nouns and verbs into a sentence… a chapter ….a novel? OK, possibly a bit extreme. But maybe a million monkeys......hmmmm.

Its seems there is quite a classic structure for a lot of funded blogs and opinion columns. Simply pose one of the many ‘big questions’ to your readers, then cite and link back to a few ‘recent studies’ and ask the readers for their opinion and or related experience after sharing your own. This is not to dismiss the wonderfully unique and insightful few that have enriched the on line community. Admittedly there are two driving factors behind this post, namely;

1. A handful of people I know who, are so gifted when it comes to writing, I selfishly wish they would take the time to scribe more as I very much enjoy reading their stuff as I believe would many others 
2. I want to write more. I think I need to but I am so apprehensive about my ability as well as the fact that I have ABSOLUTELY no idea what it is I actually want to write about. 

I have visions of people reading my stuff going: 'yeah well I can kinda see what she is trying to say but the questions remains....why did she bother?'

Anywho, what I do realise is that when I look back after time on things I have written, is that I really enjoy them. Once I stop being so critical and sifting through each sentence with a fine tooth comb I gain perspective and appreciate the sentiment of what's there on the page.

So I will now trust the process. I sometimes don't write anything as I prematurely resign myself to the fact that I won't be able to finish anything I start.

Well. My way around that now is to post in snippets. As each mini epiphany comes, it shall be posted. No more excuses.

Namaste

A Watermelon explains Oranges

As it occured to me that i was in dire need of inspiration, a close male friend of mine recently suggested a topic for the blog....

The conversation went something like this …….

‘The world needs insight into how girls view guys, cause we have no bloody idea. If a guy likes a girl, he's expected to ask her out...it's very rare that a girl will ask out a guy....so how does a girl let a guy know that she likes him? Are there signals or motions or a different perfume or post-it notes.....how does it work? Is there something like a "The top 10 signs a girl likes you - A beginners guide to women"’

Firstly I would like to declare that I am probably the most inappropriate person to be distributing such advice and there are many (much better) blogs dedicated to this kind of stuff.

I have relationships and flings by pure accident rather than any intentional message I'd be sending my unwitting counterpart. Plus if I do actually like a guy….the signals I emit are probably in stark contrast to what the majority of other females would be displaying due to my complete lack of self control and emotional volatility.

That said, let's give it a crack anyway.

I regret that it somewhat resembles an article from Cleo magazine but here is what I have been able to fumble together.

For sequential purposes I have started from the very bottom…so to speak.

A) Signs that she is totally not interested, not now, not ever;
1. You are greeted with deadly silence when saying hello, good day, good evening or good night
2. An excuse is made to leave the room whenever you enter it
3. She makes no secret of speaking about how vile she thinks you are to fellow co workers and or mutual friends

B) Signs that you are tolerable and she genuinely wants to be your mate (not fuck buddy…just mates);
1. Turns an invitation that initially involved just the 2 of you into a ‘group’ event
2. Smiles sweetly and pats you on the back while barring your drunken advances
3. Pervs on other women with you and suggests that you should make a move on the brunette at the bar with the sweet ass

C) Signs that she likes you enough to agree to have a drink and or see a movie;1. She laughs at your jokes…like ….really laughs at them. Not just a polite chuckle. If you can’t tell the difference between the two, my advice would be to count your losses
2. She makes great eye contact. So much that it will make you nervous and possibly want to look away.
3. She subtly suggests that she could use some help with {insert your hobby / career / talent here} and leaves open a scenario where you might be able to lend some assistance.

D) Signs that she thinks you are really cute and really, really wants you to ask her out to dinner;
1. She giggles inappropriately at every opportunity and continuously flicks her hair while batting her eyelids wildly in your direction
2. She emails / texts you just to say hello…..a lot
(note: this does not apply if the status of ‘mates’ has already been established. See example B point 1)
3. She interrogates your friends and or colleagues on your marital status (If you happen to be in a relationship she may also go to the lengths of asking whether or not you are happy together)

E) Signs she is obscenely obsessed with you and wants to have your children;1. She already knows the names of your parents, siblings and best mates
2. She is rubbing your leg / back / arm while seated next to you
3. She wears wonderful clothes that show more skin than a high five, leaving nothing to the imagination

So there you have it, the watermelon take on how to know if you’ve made a woman tick. Clear as mud yeah?

The only thing better than one thing ….is two

Once again I am poaching material. Apparently this meme has been around for a while. So I thought I would give it a nudge.

For bibliography purposes, you can find the original here and subsequent variations, here, here and here.

Two things (I think) about:
Panic attacks:1. You think you are dying
2. You are not dying

Family
1. You can’t chose them
2. For the most part….you wouldn’t chose anyone else

The Office
1. You are a cog in the wheel
2. There are a handful of people that realise this, the rest walk around with some grand delusion of importance

Depression
1. It really is a vicious, downward spiral
2. Only you can climb out of it

Break ups
1. It’s going to hurt
2. One person more than the other

Male Friends
1. Given the chance, they will sleep with you
2. Can be more comforting than female friends due to the attention they give you when upset….Possibly because they want to sleep with you
Kids1. If there is silence, they are up to no good
2. Never underestimate their intelligence

Blogging
1. Should not be taken seriously
2. There is no point unless you are honest, if you want badly sugar coated fluff, switch over to commercial television

Shoes
1. You can never have too many
2. Sometimes a pair of killer heels make all the difference to an outfit
Coffee1. Never, ever burn the beans
2. It should always be served ready to drink e.g. scalding hot = bad

Love
1. Sometimes doesn’t last forever, people can outgrow one another
2. Differences can be complimenting and strengthening but there must always be a common ground

Canberra
1. Sucks if you don’t own a car
2. Really does have an obscene amount of roundabouts
Travel1. Is definitely not glamorous
2. Teaches you that you cannot plan a ‘moment’ with an itinerary

I could go one but I quickly realised how little I know about a lot of things.

A wise man once said....

‘you don’t’ win friends with salad’.

This could also apply to one night stands and blog post readers.

Or not.

So I’m back. The aged entries have been cleared and archived, although I cringe to think for what reason I would ever be resurrecting them. Consuming a bucket of margarita mix could prove to be the only exception but the parameters to their location have more booby traps than Indiana Jones and the Holy Grail.

It’s a new year and new me! …or is that a new you? Damn you Jenny Craig.

I owe my friend Teo for pestering me to get this blog back up and running, probably to save his inbox from my random and at times….tedious emails more than anything else.
To further celebrate my uniqueness and originality here is a questionnaire poached from Involmat to get you up to speed on the closing months of 2008.

1. What did you do in 2008 that you’d never done before? Oh wow…ah, nothing actually. Off to a great start with this.

2. Did you keep your new year resolutions, and will you make more for next year? I didn’t make any last year but I have a made a couple for this year.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? A couple of cousins of mine gave birth. My family breed a lot. So there is usually at least one new baby every year.

4. Did anyone close to you die? No (touch wood)

5. What countries did you visit? Does Perth count? No?....ok
6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?

7. What dates from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? February 28th, it’s the day I met my new boy *gush*. 1st January as I was at Falls Festival with my Mandy girl and the 6th August as it was the day I started my new job.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? Surviving it? ....Changing jobs

9. What was your biggest failure? Letting my anxiety get the better of me at times

10. Did you suffer illness or injury? Only the occasional bug and cold

11. What was the best thing you bought? A king size bed

12. Whose behaviour merited celebration? The alarm clock radio for finding a station other than MMM in the morning. Thank christ.

13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed? My ex CEO. That’ll teach him for forgetting my name in front of everyone and running an ICT department and its staff into the ground.

14. Where did most of your money go? Up the wall on booze and food

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? I got really really really excited about Falls Festival and quitting my last job
16. What song will always remind you of 2008? Noah and the Whale, 5 Years time

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
(a) Happier or Sadder? I would like to think I am a little happier
(b) Thinner or Fatter? Ahh definitely fatter
(c) Richer or Poorer? Earning more money but still just as poor…hmmm?

18. What do you wish you’d done more of? Travel

19. What do you wish you’d done less of? Telling jokes, I am really bad at it

20. How did you spend Christmas in 2008? With my family down the south coast

21. Did you fall in love in 2008? Yup

22. How many one-night stands? One, but we are still together, I guess that doesn’t count then eh.

23. What was your favourite TV program? Hmmm, farmer wants a wife?

24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year? Not really

25. What was the best book you read? I started 5 and finished none but I think that says more about me than the books

26. What was your greatest musical discovery? Fat Freddy’s Drop and The Cold War Kids

27. What did you want and get? To gain valuable experience and skill in the work place

28. What did you want and not get? Rockstar status

29. What was your favourite film of for 2008? I didn’t really watch any. The one movie I did go and see was tropic thunder and it was dog shit …..fucking Tom Cruise trying to be a funny c@nt by dancing to R&B. Sides are still splitting Tom!! Ya Loser.

30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? 25 – Got taken on a romantic dinner date and caught up with a few friends.

31. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? Winning lotto

32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008? Whatever was clean and washed at the time

33. What kept you sane? Alcohol...I mean music as well as my friends and family

34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? It is and always will be ….Brandon Flowers.

35. What political issue stirred you the most? It's got to be Obama's vitory speech ....'I have a dream'....oh wait

36. Who did you miss? My sister

37. Who was the best new person you met? The Boy

38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008? That there are too many people being paid way too much money who are completely and utterly useless at their job

39. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year? 'Most people I know, think that I'm Craaayyyyaaayyyzeeeee eeee ee'

40. What are your resolutions for 2009? Become CCNA certified. Quit my job and travel for at least 3 - 4 months