Panic to an outsider

I do often wonder what it looks like to an outsider.


If anybody were to glance in my direction, or, god forbid speak to me, it's possible I could spontaneously combust. I will burst into flames and disintegrate on the spot.

In my realm of existence there is swirl of dangerously charged energy channeling in and around my heart my, my lungs, my legs.

Dangerous and terrifying energy. It burns my skin, it heats me up like a fireball - emitting sparks through the sweat on my skin.

The energy is, effectively suspending me in time. All in an effort to ensure I am ready to take action. This would have to be the most debilitating and frightening aspect of it all. At the point of suspension, you quite literally don't know which direction your body will or wants to take.

The conundrum that is never knowing whether you need to flee like the wind or sink within yourself and become so tiny so that no one can see you or hear you breath. Whether you need to strike a combat pose ready to face the imminent danger that is within your touchable and seeable reality or to ensure you disappear into a vacuum of emptiness where no one can physically, emotionally or spiritually get to you. Ever.

And all of this happens within seconds, milliseconds even. It happens so quick that you haven't even had a chance to translate any of this into a concious thought. It is quite succinctly happening, subconciously. 

Hence the ability to 'rationalise and be logical' is thrown out the proverbial window. It is lost. You cannot respond to anything cognitive at this point, it's primal, it's in the body. In my body and it has taken me over.

Subsequently what I have learnt is that the only way through to my subconcious is back through my body. There is no direct path. If ....and I mean if I am able to calm my physical body, through whatever means neccessary it becomes possible to start using the positive and rational thoughts to facilitate the rest of the way out. 

The challenge is that this takes time, something that becomes very scarce when it takes a hold. Time, almost, doesn't exist. At least not within the laws we know to be 'true'. Between buying time and inducing calm, there is a way out. As one of the wisest people once said, it's simple but it's not easy.

Loved...

This piece was inspired by a treasured poem I came across by David Whyte called 'Everything is waiting for you" as well as another poem called "Lost" by David Wagoner, from Collected Poems 1956-1976

David Whyte recited 'Everything is waiting for you' in his talk with Krista Tippet for her series called on being.

When he began reciting by repeating the title twice, the sound of his voice never left me.

It called to mind the concept of the other poem 'Lost' and I have referred to both of them in times of great distress and heartache to help gain perspective and comfort.

Stand still and you will be found 
If lost in the wood 
be still for the forrest will find you
You think you are lost
but the world knows exactly where you are
Are you lost because you did not know where you set out to go?
Then you are not lost because you had no destination
Are you lost because you thought you would find 'your path', your place in the world
What's wrong with where you are?, 
with where you have been?
Why do you care where you will end up
Step out of the wood, 
onto the mountain
Observe and the let perspective hold you in the knowingness of it's context
Through this, gain love, appreciation and admiration for the myriad of connectedness and for your place amidst it all 
Lose yourself 
Your sense of self
Your ego 
You are not one 
You are all 
Everything you see, hear and breath is life
Is you 
Is home 
You are home, found, kept
Loving and LOVED