Sexiness

i found this post in my trash bin. I decided i liked it so i am publishing it about 6 months after it was written.

My how things have changed since then. but that's another post all together.

I have been itching to write. In fact I take that back. I have needed to write. I just didn't know it.

There is nothing worse than undeniably knowing that you have something to say but can't even begin to articulate what that something is. You encapsulate the true meaning of Uselessness. When you do manage to finally nail the catch phrase that sums up the point you ache to get across, hopefully you can drive it home and allow reconciliation of ideas, thoughts, conflict of emotions that have the ability to render you sleepless and mame your consciousness into a zombie like state.

or maybe thats just me.

I guess ....what i am trying to say...is that....this shit is therapeutic. There is a reason people have written things down and maintained diaries since inventing hieroglyphics. The process of exporting information from our brains brings us clarity and affirmation of logical thoughts that, up until that point, you were physically unable to summarise. It makes the intangible, tangible.

I'm currently in uncharted territory, personally and professionally. By no means Robinson Curosoe, however;

• I'm about to turn 27.
• I'm single....1 year in denial and roughly 24 hours confirmed.
• I'm starting to carve out an actual career (and i use the term loosely) in that i can somewhat see that i might take a step above the menial 9 to 5 role at some point in the next few years
• I recently moved into my a place on my own and i can verify that ...walking around naked lives up to the hype. It's awesome.
• I have no idea what the next 5 years will bring and am most certain it will end up with me still living on my own, pondering life, except that i may be the proud owner of 2 kittens called Tabitha and Molly. *sigh*
• I'm female

Now clearly the last point is nothing new, however, what that means for me in terms of my life right now is something i don't believe i was prepared for but most importantly something i have struggled to embrace.

Let me explain.

I have a soft spot for a blogger who writes a post named All Men are Liars. Over the years he has written sympathetic topics in relation to females, however my judgement was that these posts were more akin to some kind of personal martyrdom than any actual concern about the issue highlighted. Considering that they were coming from the same man who had historically used his blog for enticing 'females of personal interest'.

Over time, even if at points it seemed forced, Sam presented himself as a genuine advocate for big questions he was pitching to the readers of Fairfax digital. His recent post on You're such a girl put the finger on a pulse of dread i've not been able to shake for quite some time. The qualities that make us feminine are also the qualities that are, for want of a a better term, frowned upon in any other environment than that of the domestic. What defines us physically, mentally and emotionally is, in my opinion still working against us in too many ways. Natasha Walter's second book, Living Dolls, looks at the way we have conjured such a narrow view of female functionality and sexuality in society. We still have the wrong role models or lack of aspiration to look past the 'glamour' factor when it comes to success. The glass ceiling exists but now it's the women putting it there and not only that, we are getting out the bloody spray and wipe while we are at it, checking our lipstick in the reflection.

This notion that we can be glamour models, strippers, prostitutes because now it's OUR choice just screams of denial and lack of imagination about what we could truly become. It's a false positive. We've been tricked into thinking it's what we chose to be, what we considered to be sexual and female. What scared me most of all is that this started to lead to resentment. I started to resent the women who bought into the hype that it was a choice we made to prance around naked for money and further more that paying for sex was actually sexy.

Resenting yourself for being female is not a good thing. I have since learned that it's not being female that i hate. It's the perception of what it means to be female that i struggle with. With such a narrow view of what we are good for it limits what we believe it is possible to achieve.

So i've decided its time for a change.