Panic to an outsider

I do often wonder what it looks like to an outsider.


If anybody were to glance in my direction, or, god forbid speak to me, it's possible I could spontaneously combust. I will burst into flames and disintegrate on the spot.

In my realm of existence there is swirl of dangerously charged energy channeling in and around my heart my, my lungs, my legs.

Dangerous and terrifying energy. It burns my skin, it heats me up like a fireball - emitting sparks through the sweat on my skin.

The energy is, effectively suspending me in time. All in an effort to ensure I am ready to take action. This would have to be the most debilitating and frightening aspect of it all. At the point of suspension, you quite literally don't know which direction your body will or wants to take.

The conundrum that is never knowing whether you need to flee like the wind or sink within yourself and become so tiny so that no one can see you or hear you breath. Whether you need to strike a combat pose ready to face the imminent danger that is within your touchable and seeable reality or to ensure you disappear into a vacuum of emptiness where no one can physically, emotionally or spiritually get to you. Ever.

And all of this happens within seconds, milliseconds even. It happens so quick that you haven't even had a chance to translate any of this into a concious thought. It is quite succinctly happening, subconciously. 

Hence the ability to 'rationalise and be logical' is thrown out the proverbial window. It is lost. You cannot respond to anything cognitive at this point, it's primal, it's in the body. In my body and it has taken me over.

Subsequently what I have learnt is that the only way through to my subconcious is back through my body. There is no direct path. If ....and I mean if I am able to calm my physical body, through whatever means neccessary it becomes possible to start using the positive and rational thoughts to facilitate the rest of the way out. 

The challenge is that this takes time, something that becomes very scarce when it takes a hold. Time, almost, doesn't exist. At least not within the laws we know to be 'true'. Between buying time and inducing calm, there is a way out. As one of the wisest people once said, it's simple but it's not easy.

Loved...

This piece was inspired by a treasured poem I came across by David Whyte called 'Everything is waiting for you" as well as another poem called "Lost" by David Wagoner, from Collected Poems 1956-1976

David Whyte recited 'Everything is waiting for you' in his talk with Krista Tippet for her series called on being.

When he began reciting by repeating the title twice, the sound of his voice never left me.

It called to mind the concept of the other poem 'Lost' and I have referred to both of them in times of great distress and heartache to help gain perspective and comfort.

Stand still and you will be found 
If lost in the wood 
be still for the forrest will find you
You think you are lost
but the world knows exactly where you are
Are you lost because you did not know where you set out to go?
Then you are not lost because you had no destination
Are you lost because you thought you would find 'your path', your place in the world
What's wrong with where you are?, 
with where you have been?
Why do you care where you will end up
Step out of the wood, 
onto the mountain
Observe and the let perspective hold you in the knowingness of it's context
Through this, gain love, appreciation and admiration for the myriad of connectedness and for your place amidst it all 
Lose yourself 
Your sense of self
Your ego 
You are not one 
You are all 
Everything you see, hear and breath is life
Is you 
Is home 
You are home, found, kept
Loving and LOVED

DREAMS......

A house.

A home.

A yard.

A garden.

A dog.

Some chickens.

A veggie patch.

Some goats?.

Sure.

Waterfront.

A boat.

A tinny.

But with a motor.

Making our own cheese.

Making our own butter.

Making our own bread.

Generating our own power.

Generating power for others.

Being waste free.

Being with someone.

Having a bigger family.

Up-cycling our own furniture.

A fire place.

Sun streaming through every window.

A study.

A telescope for staring into the wonder of the universe.

An outside fire pit.

An outside pizza oven.

Some comfy blankets.

A comfy arm chair.

A comfy outdoor sun seat.

A big family dinner on Sunday's.

One day?

One day soon........

All these things that I've done...

The morning I woke, after the last day.

The day after, the noise.

The day after, the last time I saw him.

The day after, the last day, of being well in the knowledge of my ability.

There was silence.

Deafening silence.

Although when I cast a glance over to the glass jar of the last 6 months, all the chaos, all the joy, all the pain, there was a slight muffle from everyone who was still trapped in there. In that glass jar. Or so it felt.

It was after the initial silence that the tidal waves began to sweep over and over, seemingly relentless. The relief came first. The relief of not having to move. Not having to force myself out of bed. To scramble to get Mali to daycare, having to swim upstream against the peak hour of the city, reminding myself to breath. And that was on a good day.

Then there was the numbness and the associated plea to stay within the dull ache of nothing as I knew what would come next. The re-living of it all. The highs, just as painful as the lows, because they were no longer there. Just a thing of the past now, an 'accident' almost. Taken just as quickly as they had arrived. Some would say easy come, easy go. But nothing about the ferociousness of navigating the last 6 months had been easy.

The shame and embarrassment of being let down and of feeling as though I had let everyone down in turn. I had jumped ship like never before, the deck was on fire and I hurled myself into the depths of the murky water.

I'm currently adrift at sea and, while peaceful, it's mostly concerning, as I am unable to see land in sight.

A letter to Panic

Dear Anxiety,

I know you think you're 'helping' me. I understand that you are an essential, primitive force that we owe our very evolution and existence to. You have been able to keep us safe by telling our bodies 'something is wrong' for approximately 200,000 years.

Perhaps, I guess, you're still right about that. Something is wrong. I just didn't realise and I tried to ignore it. But you didn't let me.

Instead I am now subject to your infamous daily bouts of dizziness, light handedness, disorientation, mood swings, nausea and hypochondria to name a few. My job is at risk, subsequently my livelihood because for some reason you don't think it's a good idea' to leave the house and, when we do, you make it such an ordeal that really, I wish i hadn't.

I also have the sole responsibility of raising my 3 year old daughter which you make almost unbearable with my inability to focus on being with her in the moment, as I try and distract myself from the physical and physiological warfare you have created for me.

I also now understand that it's not your fault. I actually asked you to come into my life. It's crazy isn't it? with every negative thought I entertained. Negative thoughts mostly about myself and less than ideal life circumstances that I felt were a direct reflection on me as a human being and subsequently my self worth.

In the end I just switched off from it all. It became too hard....too difficult to bare and instead, I focused on the sick feeling in my stomach that never went away. I focused on the tiredness in my bones, in my head and in my heart. Complete exhaustion at the prospect of being so alone with so much to battle.

Having a baby as a single mother wasn't the only reason I was alone,  it was also because I had shut myself off from the rest of the world. I had shut myself off from my feelings and so I no longer existed as an active participant in the world around me. The rabbit hole began to get bigger and deeper.

I get it. How could you not have thought something was wrong?

You're now lending me the physical chemistry to battle my enemy but I can't find them. I am literally unable to locate what I should be fighting or running from.

Every day I'm suffocating. I can't breath. I hurry to take another breath to ensure that it comes to me just as the last but by doing so I then begin to hyperventilate.  I am on edge, my nerves as as electrified as a lightening bolt and with the hint of anything stimulating, my senses interpret it as 'harmful'. Noise, commotion, bustling streets, bright lights have all become fear inducing and are to be avoided at all costs.

Sincerely
Elizabeth

imagine this

....Having to spend Mothers Day with the man that broke your heart and left you while pregnant with his child.

That's what i am doing today.

Hope everyone has a better day than me

x

Post it Notes to Self

Apologies for the roughness of this post. It was quite difficult to get out.

I guess it's as much for myself as for the lawyers. Should i ever forget ....*sigh*

Approx 6 weeks

• when i told josh about the pregnancy he said that it was good news
• he said he was happy that i / we were pregnant and that he thought i might have been by the way i was acting
• we spent the weekend together and both agreed that we wanted to be together because we loved each other not for the sake of the baby
• we then managed to fight at harvey norman while looking for couches (he wanted to look at TV's. i was insanely sick and wanted to just go home)
• we then fought about making toast because i was sick. he was just about to cook dinner and didn't want me in the kitchen
• so i left him alone on the Sunday because i was extremely ill and emotional

approx 7 to 8 weeks

• the following week i asked josh to come over for a chat
• i think he came around twice that week
• the first time i was still really sick and he was quite nasty
• he had packed his bags to stay over that night
• when i mentioned i wasn't feeling well or thinking straight he said 'please Liz its not like you have cancer'
• this started another argument. he was trying to push me into giving him an answer about whether i was keeping the baby. saying 'you're hopeless you never know what you want'
• i asked him to leave, he said 'no fucking way i'm not going anywhere. then a minute later grabbed his bag and said 'just remember liz...you asked me to leave. this was your doing'
• the next time i asked him round to talk (again he hadn't bothered to contact me) i made him dinner
• he mentioned that he wasn't happy but didn't say why
• after asking him a number of times he finally admitted he didn't think it was a good idea to keep the baby
• he said he wanted to move away from sydney but that's not to say that in a years time he might not ask me and the baby to come live with him or something equally strange
• he was very cold and distant and clearly didn't want to be there
• we talked about having the baby but not being together which was hard. i said i would feel guilty choosing to have the baby knowing that he didn't want it and he said 'that's something you're going to have to live with'
• all through these weeks whenever i asked he still maintained that he loved me

Approx 10 to 12 weeks

• again i hadn't heard from josh unless i specifically texted him at times
• i had been to the termination clinic and received counseling
• at one stage i had made a decision to terminate and booked in for the following week
• when i rang to confirm dates she said my appt was just over the 12 week mark, she said i could still go ahead with the procedure but it may cost more
• i was shocked that time had gone by so quickly, i was so sure i had another couple of weeks
• i went for a drive down south and spent some time on the beach. i think i knew that the reason i had delayed the appt for so long was because i really didn't want to do it. I decided to keep the baby.
• i rang josh and told him i was going to keep the baby
• he said he was surprised at my decision and would be in touch
• he then sent a text saying that my decision was ultimately irresponsible due to the stress i would be causing myself and the child and that again he did not think it was the right one
• he also sated that he would be in contact to let me know whether or not he wanted to be involved

Approx 12 to 16 weeks

• i texted josh to let him know i was going for the 12 week scan
• he did transfer money for half the scan but also asked 'how many more there would be'
• i then received another message saying that he was going to be un-contactable for the 'next few weeks'. when i sent a message asking why and where he was going he did not reply
• i texted one night during those few weeks to ask if he would like to see the picture from the scan and received no reply
• i received a text approx 2 weeks later saying 'yes please i would like to see a picture'
• i sent him the photo via text and he asked if i had a better quality one
• i emailed him a copy the next day but it was the only picture i had

16 to 20 weeks

• i texted josh while on a 4 day getaway with Mandy and Roch in Byron. they are due to be married there in October this year (2011)
• i couldn't' help myself, i really missed him and i really love him so i wrote 'i love you'
• i received one back almost straight away saying 'and i you Liz'
• we texted for a few more hours, i played dumb and didn't mention anything about the last few months or how / why he disappeared. i just wanted to see him
• our flight was delayed back to sydney but he met me at my house just close to midnight and we spent the night together
• he rubbed my belly and whispered 'it's ok, daddy's here'
• he whispered during the night 'i love you's'
• during this time (in bed) i mentioned the cost of the doctors fees and that approx 3000 was due at the 20 week appt. was he ok to go halves. he said yes no problems. the next day he also mentioned that money was never an issue between us.
• we arranged to spend a couple more nights together and on the 3rd morning i couldn't pretend any longer and he knew i was upset.
• i told him that i was upset about the last few months and that he disappeared
• he said it was 'best for me and the baby' that he left us alone
• he said that he wanted 'nothing more than to be a family' and that it hadn't been easy for him not to contact me
• he also said that he had been on holiday in vietnam for those 3.5 weeks hence why he was un-contactable. when i asked who he went with he said it was some people from work, not anyone i would know
• he then went to Melbourne for work and we arranged to spend the long weekend together (October)
• when he got back from melbourne i asked him if he wanted to have dinner on the thursday night, he said he had plans but what about friday?
• friday arrives and 6:45pm i still haven't heard from him
• i texted and he replied that he was tired and just wanted takeaway and to lie on the couch
• i then rang and politely mentioned that if he wanted to he could just head home for the night if he didn't feel like having dinner and yes...i was upset. he hung up.
• he had mentioned earlier that he had plans to go the races the next day. i tried texting and calling multiple times that weekend but he ignored me
• i went my 19 week scan the following week
• i then emailed him and laid my heart on the line saying i loved him but couldn't continue to be hurt or ignored anymore. i also mentioned that i knew the sex of the baby and had some photos if he would like me to send them to him
• i also sent another email tallying all doctors bills and medicare rebates to date so he didn't feel like i was just randomly asking for money
• he never replied to either email
• i texted him that night to ask if he had received my email and he said yes i received your email. i couldn't help myself and asked if he had anything to say. he wrote back and said ' no were you expecting me to?'
• a few days later i texted to remind josh that the 20 week down payment was due at my next obstetrician appointment
• he then replied that he wasn't sure if he had the money
• i then asked when he might be able to pay ....offering that he could pay me over a period of time if that helped
• he then said he didn't know when ...'sometime next month maybe'
• i then asked why he didn't know when he got paid (out of pure frustration)
• he then texted back and said that he no longer thought it was a good idea (paying for the doctor) and that i would need to make alternate arrangements
• my mum was kind enough to lend me the money and i have since paid her back

21 to 22 weeks

• a few weeks later i texted and asked josh if he had time to talk. i was stressing about child support payments and ultimately hurting over everything. i couldn't believe he had just disappeared again
• when we spoke he said he hadn't looked into child support even though i had been asking him to do so for months. i wanted it to be something he 'owned' not something that was dictated
• he then also reminded me that he wouldn't be paying anything until the child is born and that he had already told me that he was not going to pay for the doctors fees
• when i asked him why he hadn't been in contact, wondering what was happening with us ...he stated that ' there was / is no us and there hasn't been for a very long time.
• i asked if there was someone else and if that meant he didn't love me anymore and he just replied with ...'im not going into that now liz' and ' it doesn't matter'
• i was devastated and hung up the phone, not once (even though his actions possibly suggested it....love truly is blind) had he mentioned there being 'no us' and that he didn't love me. i could only assume there was someone else
• he followed up the phone call with a text saying that he had re read my email from a few weeks back and that it was 'clear i was moving on' he again reiterated that there was 'no us' and that 'all that mattered now was the baby'
• he said he would be consulting a lawyer and would be seeking a paternity test before paying anything. he said he would be in touch and to 'take care'

23 to 40 weeks

• over the next 5 months i did not hear from josh except for 2 text messages
• one was 3 months later to inform me that he no longer lived in sydney and that he had moved to melbourne
• another (3 weeks after that) was to say he wanted to talk about 'my due date', sex of the baby, access / visitation, maintenance payments etc
• i politely replied and mentioned that the baby was due in 4 weeks and my priority and focus was on the birth. i would contact him once she was born unless there was something specific he needed to discuss. i never received a reply back

i know reading this it may seem slightly obvious that josh never loved me or had any intention of us being together or becoming a family, however there a few key things that may help to put into some context

• josh and i were in a serious long term (live in) relationship for approx 1.5 years and during which time we were planning on our future and most importantly having children
• josh had a semi breakdown the first christmas we were together (just before i moved in), again i caught him out on behaviour i deemed to be unacceptable and went into panic mode. he claimed he had never met anyone like me before and couldn't live without me and that his life was shit before he met me. i took him back and two months later moved into his flat
• josh claimed to be going to counseling but i could never work out what for or why
• after i moved in things only seemed to get worse. promises were broken and he was even more secretive than before
• i even ended up visiting my GP to see what i could do in relation to fertility treatments etc. josh and i had been having unprotected sex for nearly 12 months
• i ended up moving out of his flat after only a few months. this was due to a number of reasons but ultimately because of similar behavior that has been mentioned in the text above
• post me moving out we were on / off again for another 1.5 years, always declaring that we loved each other at all times...well at least i knew i was honest when i said this
• subsequently none of josh's actions raised alarm bells for me, i was used to being ignored for weeks at a time. i was used to our on / off again existence. i loved him (i probably still do)
• when i conceived we were in the motions (or at least i was) of giving things one last try. we had dinner with my mum, spent time together for my birthday and had a night out with my closest friends. i had committed to him and to us....then came the next 9 months which you have already read.

my baby is due in 2 days. i already love her and would not, even after everything, change a thing. i miss josh dearly and would love answers to a million questions but i know i am never going to get the truth. he was never honest with me in 3 years, why would he start now.

i have no idea how i might manage his relationship with our daughter, seeing as he never wanted her and, up until this point, has hardly paid a cent or contributed to her well being in anyway. however, i need to be careful that i do not deny her the opportunity to have a healthy and happy relationship with her dad. regardless of our history and how much it hurts.