Carrying Watermelons

I carried a watermelon?

2011-05-08

imagine this

....Having to spend Mothers Day with the man that broke your heart and left you while pregnant with his child.

That's what i am doing today.

Hope everyone has a better day than me
x

2011-02-27

Post it Notes to Self


Apologies for the roughness of this post. It was quite difficult to get out.

I guess it's as much for myself as for the lawyers. Should i ever forget ....*sigh*

Approx 6 weeks

  • when i told josh about the pregnancy he said that it was good news
  • he said he was happy that i / we were pregnant and that he thought i might have been by the way i was acting
  • we spent the weekend together and both agreed that we wanted to be together because we loved each other not for the sake of the baby
  • we then managed to fight at harvey norman while looking for couches (he wanted to look at TV's. i was insanely sick and wanted to just go home)
  • we then fought about making toast because i was sick. he was just about to cook dinner and didn't want me in the kitchen
  • so i left him alone on the Sunday because i was extremely ill and emotional

approx 7 to 8 weeks
  • the following week i asked josh to come over for a chat
  • i think he came around twice that week
  • the first time i was still really sick and he was quite nasty
  • he had packed his bags to stay over that night
  • when i mentioned i wasn't feeling well or thinking straight he said 'please Liz its not like you have cancer'
  • this started another argument. he was trying to push me into giving him an answer about whether i was keeping the baby. saying 'you're hopeless you never know what you want'
  • i asked him to leave, he said 'no fucking way i'm not going anywhere. then a minute later grabbed his bag and said 'just remember liz...you asked me to leave. this was your doing'
  • the next time i asked him round to talk (again he hadn't bothered to contact me) i made him dinner
  • he mentioned that he wasn't happy but didn't say why
  • after asking him a number of times he finally admitted he didn't think it was a good idea to keep the baby
  • he said he wanted to move away from sydney but that's not to say that in a years time he might not ask me and the baby to come live with him or something equally strange
  • he was very cold and distant and clearly didn't want to be there
  • we talked about having the baby but not being together which was hard. i said i would feel guilty choosing to have the baby knowing that he didn't want it and he said 'that's something you're going to have to live with'
  • all through these weeks whenever i asked he still maintained that he loved me

Approx 10 to 12 weeks
  • again i hadn't heard from josh unless i specifically texted him at times
  • i had been to the termination clinic and received counseling
  • at one stage i had made a decision to terminate and booked in for the following week
  • when i rang to confirm dates she said my appt was just over the 12 week mark, she said i could still go ahead with the procedure but it may cost more
  • i was shocked that time had gone by so quickly, i was so sure i had another couple of weeks
  • i went for a drive down south and spent some time on the beach. i think i knew that the reason i had delayed the appt for so long was because i really didn't want to do it. I decided to keep the baby.
  • i rang josh and told him i was going to keep the baby
  • he said he was surprised at my decision and would be in touch
  • he then sent a text saying that my decision was ultimately irresponsible due to the stress i would be causing myself and the child and that again he did not think it was the right one
  • he also sated that he would be in contact to let me know whether or not he wanted to be involved

Approx 12 to 16 weeks
  • i texted josh to let him know i was going for the 12 week scan
  • he did transfer money for half the scan but also asked 'how many more there would be'
  • i then received another message saying that he was going to be un-contactable for the 'next few weeks'. when i sent a message asking why and where he was going he did not reply
  • i texted one night during those few weeks to ask if he would like to see the picture from the scan and received no reply
  • i received a text approx 2 weeks later saying 'yes please i would like to see a picture'
  • i sent him the photo via text and he asked if i had a better quality one
  • i emailed him a copy the next day but it was the only picture i had

16 to 20 weeks
  • i texted josh while on a 4 day getaway with Mandy and Roch in Byron. they are due to be married there in October this year (2011)
  • i couldn't' help myself, i really missed him and i really love him so i wrote 'i love you'
  • i received one back almost straight away saying 'and i you Liz'
  • we texted for a few more hours, i played dumb and didn't mention anything about the last few months or how / why he disappeared. i just wanted to see him
  • our flight was delayed back to sydney but he met me at my house just close to midnight and we spent the night together
  • he rubbed my belly and whispered 'it's ok, daddy's here'
  • he whispered during the night 'i love you's'
  • during this time (in bed) i mentioned the cost of the doctors fees and that approx 3000 was due at the 20 week appt. was he ok to go halves. he said yes no problems. the next day he also mentioned that money was never an issue between us.
  • we arranged to spend a couple more nights together and on the 3rd morning i couldn't pretend any longer and he knew i was upset.
  • i told him that i was upset about the last few months and that he disappeared
  • he said it was 'best for me and the baby' that he left us alone
  • he said that he wanted 'nothing more than to be a family' and that it hadn't been easy for him not to contact me
  • he also said that he had been on holiday in vietnam for those 3.5 weeks hence why he was un-contactable. when i asked who he went with he said it was some people from work, not anyone i would know
  • he then went to Melbourne for work and we arranged to spend the long weekend together (October)
  • when he got back from melbourne i asked him if he wanted to have dinner on the thursday night, he said he had plans but what about friday?
  • friday arrives and 6:45pm i still haven't heard from him
  • i texted and he replied that he was tired and just wanted takeaway and to lie on the couch
  • i then rang and politely mentioned that if he wanted to he could just head home for the night if he didn't feel like having dinner and yes...i was upset. he hung up.
  • he had mentioned earlier that he had plans to go the races the next day. i tried texting and calling multiple times that weekend but he ignored me
  • i went my 19 week scan the following week
  • i then emailed him and laid my heart on the line saying i loved him but couldn't continue to be hurt or ignored anymore. i also mentioned that i knew the sex of the baby and had some photos if he would like me to send them to him
  • i also sent another email tallying all doctors bills and medicare rebates to date so he didn't feel like i was just randomly asking for money
  • he never replied to either email
  • i texted him that night to ask if he had received my email and he said yes i received your email. i couldn't help myself and asked if he had anything to say. he wrote back and said ' no were you expecting me to?'
  • a few days later i texted to remind josh that the 20 week down payment was due at my next obstetrician appointment
  • he then replied that he wasn't sure if he had the money
  • i then asked when he might be able to pay ....offering that he could pay me over a period of time if that helped
  • he then said he didn't know when ...'sometime next month maybe'
  • i then asked why he didn't know when he got paid (out of pure frustration)
  • he then texted back and said that he no longer thought it was a good idea (paying for the doctor) and that i would need to make alternate arrangements
  • my mum was kind enough to lend me the money and i have since paid her back

21 to 22 weeks
  • a few weeks later i texted and asked josh if he had time to talk. i was stressing about child support payments and ultimately hurting over everything. i couldn't believe he had just disappeared again
  • when we spoke he said he hadn't looked into child support even though i had been asking him to do so for months. i wanted it to be something he 'owned' not something that was dictated
  • he then also reminded me that he wouldn't be paying anything until the child is born and that he had already told me that he was not going to pay for the doctors fees
  • when i asked him why he hadn't been in contact, wondering what was happening with us ...he stated that ' there was / is no us and there hasn't been for a very long time.
  • i asked if there was someone else and if that meant he didn't love me anymore and he just replied with ...'im not going into that now liz' and ' it doesn't matter'
  • i was devastated and hung up the phone, not once (even though his actions possibly suggested it....love truly is blind) had he mentioned there being 'no us' and that he didn't love me. i could only assume there was someone else
  • he followed up the phone call with a text saying that he had re read my email from a few weeks back and that it was 'clear i was moving on' he again reiterated that there was 'no us' and that 'all that mattered now was the baby'
  • he said he would be consulting a lawyer and would be seeking a paternity test before paying anything. he said he would be in touch and to 'take care'

23 to 40 weeks
  • over the next 5 months i did not hear from josh except for 2 text messages
  • one was 3 months later to inform me that he no longer lived in sydney and that he had moved to melbourne
  • another (3 weeks after that) was to say he wanted to talk about 'my due date', sex of the baby, access / visitation, maintenance payments etc
  • i politely replied and mentioned that the baby was due in 4 weeks and my priority and focus was on the birth. i would contact him once she was born unless there was something specific he needed to discuss. i never received a reply back

i know reading this it may seem slightly obvious that josh never loved me or had any intention of us being together or becoming a family, however there a few key things that may help to put into some context
  • josh and i were in a serious long term (live in) relationship for approx 1.5 years and during which time we were planning on our future and most importantly having children
  • josh had a semi breakdown the first christmas we were together (just before i moved in), again i caught him out on behaviour i deemed to be unacceptable and went into panic mode. he claimed he had never met anyone like me before and couldn't live without me and that his life was shit before he met me. i took him back and two months later moved into his flat
  • josh claimed to be going to counseling but i could never work out what for or why
  • after i moved in things only seemed to get worse. promises were broken and he was even more secretive than before
  • i even ended up visiting my GP to see what i could do in relation to fertility treatments etc. josh and i had been having unprotected sex for nearly 12 months
  • i ended up moving out of his flat after only a few months. this was due to a number of reasons but ultimately because of similar behavior that has been mentioned in the text above
  • post me moving out we were on / off again for another 1.5 years, always declaring that we loved each other at all times...well at least i knew i was honest when i said this
  • subsequently none of josh's actions raised alarm bells for me, i was used to being ignored for weeks at a time. i was used to our on / off again existence. i loved him (i probably still do)
  • when i conceived we were in the motions (or at least i was) of giving things one last try. we had dinner with my mum, spent time together for my birthday and had a night out with my closest friends. i had committed to him and to us....then came the next 9 months which you have already read.

my baby is due in 2 days. i already love her and would not, even after everything, change a thing. i miss josh dearly and would love answers to a million questions but i know i am never going to get the truth. he was never honest with me in 3 years, why would he start now.

i have no idea how i might manage his relationship with our daughter, seeing as he never wanted her and, up until this point, has hardly paid a cent or contributed to her well being in anyway. however, i need to be careful that i do not deny her the opportunity to have a healthy and happy relationship with her dad. regardless of our history and how much it hurts.



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